I told myself that 2020 was going to be different.
BUT HOW?
That was the next question that loudly rang through my mind. I gave it a lot of thought over December when suddenly I was hit hard with so many things and the following words came through with a certainty I've never felt before
NO MORE..
No more feeling upset about things I can't control, no more feeling guilty over the past, no more worrying what other people thought I was or wasn't, no more putting work whether professional or within the home above my own well-being and happiness, no more feeling guilty about wanting to enjoy my life, no more measuring my success by other's definitions and...
No more hiding my auto-immune condition anymore... I have Inflammatory Bowel Disease more specifically Ulcerative Colitis.
For those of you have never heard of it before it is an incurable auto-immune condition that attacks the colon and anus, resulting in loose motions, urgency, bleeding and at times complete agony. When left to its own devices it will destroy you from the inside out and take every bit of joy out of your life - one of its major complications if left unchecked is colon cancer.
I was first diagnosed in June 2001 after my first ever colonoscopy when my doctor told me very matter-of-factly that I had resolving Ulcerative Proctitis (which meant initially the condition was only affecting the very end of my elimination tract) and that I would need medication and treatment for the rest of my life.
My first reaction to all of this was denial...my next was shock, followed by anger, a lot of tears and a feeling I was being punished.
In coming weeks I will share my very long journey of ups and downs, my trials and my tribulations, lessons learned and how I went from a point of almost no return to how I claimed my life back because if I can help even one person avoid the misery, utter despair, isolation and loneliness I have endured, it will all be worth it. If I can help even one person avoid the sleepness nights, the excruciating pain, lethargy to the point you struggle to do much more than sit in one place, loss of appetite, joint pain and anemia then I will know I have made a difference.
So here we are in 2020 and things WILL BE DIFFERENT.
My wish is that as I share my story with you that anyone, not just those who suffer with uncontrolled IBD, but anyone confronting chronic illness can turn their life around because I feel despite the trigger and backstory there is always a common thread. Once we can unlock the trigger or triggers, the healing can begin and in my case a full physical, spiritual and mental awaking have been and continue to be, equally important.
In coming weeks I will be sharing the good, bad and the ugly of not only Ulcerative Colitis but how I went from pretty much hitting rock bottom, to slowly healing myself and learning to love myself again.
From The Ashes The Phoenix Will Rise.
If I can help you, I am willing to bare my soul.
Stay Blessed
P.S. I couldn't close this without dedicating this post to my Mother who's strong faith and prayers have also been an important part of my healing and to my Father who has dropped everything for me in the past to go travelling for treatment and answers. I love you both very much, xo