Updated: Nov 6, 2018
Glad You Could Make It, xo
My Journey of Self-Discovery and Life Lessons
Hello! I am truly excited to share Goddess by Feritta with you - a labour of love and the culmination of many late nights and deep contemplation because I wanted to connect with all of you in cyberspace - so I guess the best way to do that is to share a little bit of my personal story with you...
The person you see today, is a very different person than the person I was 20 years ago or even 10 minutes ago because who I am in this moment has been a steady and deliberate process to understand how can I be the greatest ideal of myself?
Though I never realized it at the time, I now see that my struggles with health issues, my desire for acceptance, failed relationships, career disappointments, physical insecurities and financial pain all had a purpose - to share with you that transformation is possible and HOW you too can make those changes you seek for yourself no matter what they are.
Here in The Zen Den, I hope to create a safe space where those seeking personal growth can come, share their experiences and ask questions.
We are all capable of big things when we are willing to be open to a new story.
Let me take you back a bit and explain...
Growing up I was subjected a lot of negative ideas - that I would never be happy, I was overly sensitive, too fat, too ugly, not talented and generally not good enough. Whatever I wanted was wrong and whatever I wanted to do wasn't a good idea. Compound these messages for 10, 15, 20 years and you grow up not being able to trust your inner voice at all - and if you can't trust yourself, well who can you trust?
As a teenager filled with self-doubt, I felt like the outsider looking at the world through a lens of confusion wondering why I never felt like I quite fit in. The truth is, for the longest time I think I was embarrassed and ashamed of who I was. It was at that time I began to delve into songwriting and singing and started to explore what made Feritta tick because Feritta was just a shy little girl, afraid to speak her mind. I was a slave to a notion that my true self wasn't good enough - and those fears would one day lead to the creation of a very defensive, insecure and unhealthy woman.
The negative messages and self-talk continued through high school and university even though I began to understand my relationship with food and diet and got to a healthy weight, discovered the world of beauty, hair care and make-up and even had a wonderful boyfriend, my inner self was still in that place of not feeling worthy, deserving or good enough.
I began to explore music more, taking singing lesson during university, because it was the only time I really felt like me - I even got signed to label and felt that for the first time in my life I knew what I was doing - but it was not to be and the label went bust and my dreams with it. As it was at the time, my family felt my music was a huge waste of time and money and once more I was left doubting myself. Not long after my relationship also ended. Again I had failed, it was all getting too much.
Before I go on, you need to understand something, I was at a point where I felt like I was a disappointment to parents, to my brothers, to myself but I was also determined that I was going to make it work to prove everyone wrong despite the overwhelming lack of confidence and support. I know my family were only trying to protect me as best they knew but I was just beginning to understand it was time for me to make my own decisions. However when you've grown up being told what to think and what to do and how to do it and you suddenly try to go out on your own with no training wheels on - you are going to crash - and crash tremendously I did.
In my early 20's I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. I was obviously devastated by this diagnosis because according to modern science auto-immune is the medical definition for "we have no idea what is making you sick".
I didn't realize it at the time but I HAD MADE MYSELF SICK.
My self hatred, my sadness, my insecurities that I would never have the music career I had dreamed off, my failed relationships, my feelings of disappointment that I had let my family down, my self-loathing had now manifested itself into a physical illness I could no longer ignore. For a while I was like, why would God do this to me? I am a good person, I pray why would he curse me with something like this? My life became even more stressful and despite daily medication, I got sicker and ended up in hospital.
Life continued but it was never the same, I basically lived around how to manage my dis-ease, had to take stronger drugs to cope with my illness, had to take terrible courses of steroids and it became an endless cycle of pain, illness and remission. It was very easy for me to feel sorry for myself because when you grow up your whole life with the message you can never be happy and you believe it, eventually the prophecy becomes fulfilled. It was one thing after another, relationships that didn't work out, money problems and all I could do was keep asking God why?
I continued to treat the symptoms with medication but I was not dealing with the cause and it got so bad that at one point the doctors were talking about serious surgery, cancer and even removing my entire colon. I was so scared.